Since childhood I had been a staunch believer in the idol form of God be it Durga Maa, Santoshi Maa, Shiva, Rama, Krishna and many others as any other Indian Hindu and never questioned what I was taught about God.
In my adolescent and teenage years whenever I would see mom and other members of my family praying to God and fasting for prosperity with offerings to him I would feel the magic working. I felt that I had somehow gotten hold of the trick of how to attain everything in life and reveled in the fact that it would work for me too if I somehow could just make God happy. Trying to come in his good books, I started bribing him about giving him a certain share if I got what I wanted. And lo! behold! it worked. I was hooked on to this habit of taking out God's share before doing anything. My belief in God became more firm. I would even go to the lengths of making chits and putting in front of a picture of God and then picking them up, very sure that these would be the questions that would come in the exams. You will not believe me when I say that it actually worked and often I would get those same questions that I had prepared.
Deep down I had become so accustomed to asking for everything from him that I would keep fasts, pray and do everything that I was told to do for my well being yet somewhere along the line I started noticing that God perhaps was not that happy with me anymore. Though I prayed religiously, put aside his share yet I was facing hardships and heartaches. I was getting nowhere and everything I wanted in life was going out of my reach. I was distraught, perplexed. Maybe I was not praying good enough. I needed to pray better else how would I come out of my problems. Why did God leave me in the lurch and run away? I would often fight and get angry with him but nothing worked. He had disappeared and I felt like I my best friend had bereft me.
What could I do except learn to face my problems head on, without him. I gathered myself up and decided that I would keep him forever in my heart yet never ask for his help again. This was my punishment for him for letting me go during difficult times and I felt that my best friend and come back to me.
As I picked up pace in life I realized that he had never really left my side. It had always been me who had never been able to see who he was and then it dawned on me that GOD was present with me always as my inner strength which made me face my problems with confidence, my innermost conscious which stopped me from doing something that I did not believe in, my smile that instantly came to my face after helping someone, my tears that I shed for every thing that I kept losing in life and ultimately that belief that whatever happens I shall emerge unharmed and as a winner.
Today, I do not fast, I do not keep aside his share, I do not go to temples to pray and yet daily my head is bowed to that power which exists somewhere that leads us through life....I smile more even if I hurt, I give more even if I do not have much for myself and I believe more even if I know there is a dark tunnel which I have to cross...and I know now that this belief is GOD....
In my adolescent and teenage years whenever I would see mom and other members of my family praying to God and fasting for prosperity with offerings to him I would feel the magic working. I felt that I had somehow gotten hold of the trick of how to attain everything in life and reveled in the fact that it would work for me too if I somehow could just make God happy. Trying to come in his good books, I started bribing him about giving him a certain share if I got what I wanted. And lo! behold! it worked. I was hooked on to this habit of taking out God's share before doing anything. My belief in God became more firm. I would even go to the lengths of making chits and putting in front of a picture of God and then picking them up, very sure that these would be the questions that would come in the exams. You will not believe me when I say that it actually worked and often I would get those same questions that I had prepared.
Deep down I had become so accustomed to asking for everything from him that I would keep fasts, pray and do everything that I was told to do for my well being yet somewhere along the line I started noticing that God perhaps was not that happy with me anymore. Though I prayed religiously, put aside his share yet I was facing hardships and heartaches. I was getting nowhere and everything I wanted in life was going out of my reach. I was distraught, perplexed. Maybe I was not praying good enough. I needed to pray better else how would I come out of my problems. Why did God leave me in the lurch and run away? I would often fight and get angry with him but nothing worked. He had disappeared and I felt like I my best friend had bereft me.
What could I do except learn to face my problems head on, without him. I gathered myself up and decided that I would keep him forever in my heart yet never ask for his help again. This was my punishment for him for letting me go during difficult times and I felt that my best friend and come back to me.
As I picked up pace in life I realized that he had never really left my side. It had always been me who had never been able to see who he was and then it dawned on me that GOD was present with me always as my inner strength which made me face my problems with confidence, my innermost conscious which stopped me from doing something that I did not believe in, my smile that instantly came to my face after helping someone, my tears that I shed for every thing that I kept losing in life and ultimately that belief that whatever happens I shall emerge unharmed and as a winner.
Today, I do not fast, I do not keep aside his share, I do not go to temples to pray and yet daily my head is bowed to that power which exists somewhere that leads us through life....I smile more even if I hurt, I give more even if I do not have much for myself and I believe more even if I know there is a dark tunnel which I have to cross...and I know now that this belief is GOD....
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